Our Way of Caring: Vantage Hospice Podcast [Episode 4] - Coping with Holiday Grief & Traditions

Our Way of Caring: Vantage Hospice Podcast [Episode 4] - Coping with Holiday Grief & Traditions

In this episode of the Vantage Hospice podcast, host Nicole welcomes Beth Fortier, the Director of Social Work and Psychosocial Services at Vantage. Beth shares her extensive experience in hospice care and her passion for supporting patients and families. They discuss the emotional challenges of grief during the holiday season, particularly for those with a loved one in hospice care. Beth provides insights on coping mechanisms, maintaining or changing traditions, and the importance of acknowledging one’s feelings.

The episode emphasizes the need for anticipatory grief support, sharing memories, and allowing oneself grace during this tough time.

00:00 Introduction to Vantage Hospice Podcast
00:09 Meet Ms. Beth Fortier
00:45 Discussing Grief and the Holidays
02:28 Anticipatory Grief During the Holidays
04:24 Coping Mechanisms and Traditions
06:53 Personal Stories and Experiences
19:46 Involving Loved Ones in Holiday Festivities
22:56 Final Thoughts and Resources

Helpful Articles by Vantage Hospice & Palliative Care:

• Get-Togethers While Coping with a Terminally Ill Loved One
• Honoring Memories and Sharing Gratitude: Embracing the Spirit of the Holidays Amidst Serious Illness

Vantage Hospice & Palliative Care

Our Mission

Vantage Hospice, LLC is dedicated to providing individualized hospice care with services specially tailored to the physical, social, psychological and spiritual needs of patients with life limiting illness, their families and the community, by delivering high quality and compassionate care.

We strive to create a culture dedicated to meeting the needs of our patients, families and employees based on the principles of dignity, respect and compassion.

Hospice recognizes dying as part of the normal process of living and focuses on maintaining the quality of remaining life. It affirms life and neither hastens nor postpones death through a multidisciplinary team approach. Hospice is not a place. It is philosophy.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Vantage Hospice Podcast
• 0:09 Meet Director of Social Work & Psychosocial Services, Beth Fortier
• 0:45 Discussing Grief and the Holidays
• 2:28 Anticipatory Grief During the Holidays
• 4:24 Coping Mechanisms and Traditions
• 6:53 Personal Stories and Experiences
• 19:46 Involving Loved Ones in Holiday Festivities
• 22:56 Final Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

0:05

Welcome back to Vantage Hospice, our podcast. Today I have with me Ms. Beth Fortier, who is our Director of social work and psychosocial services for Vantage. So just tell us a little bit about yourself, Ms. Beth. I have been doing this for about 20 years. I've been in hospice. So I've been a social worker for probably 25 years. And I love hospice. It's a passion. I love working with patients and families, as you know. That is my passion and just really end of life care outreach at end of life. I just really enjoy being with patients and families at the end of their lives. and it's just A calling for me. That's awesome. So we are very blessed to have beth with us and she has always been superb at keeping everybody wrangled together and you know doing everything that needs to be done on the psychosocial aspect, but Today we're going to talk about grief and the holidays because again, I mean the holidays are coming up as we all know and It's a very touchy time and can generate a lot of emotion. So holidays in general. I mean, the holiday process, there is a, there's an underlying sense of melancholy kind of, even if you have not lost a loved one. And even if you haven't, you don't have a loved one on hospice, just the changes that occur. From the time that you're a child to, you grow up to a young adult and then you become the parent and then you become the grandparent. And then that whole cycle of, you know, how the magic is when you're a child and missing that magic as you grow older. And then when you have children, you get to recreate that magic, but it's not really the same as when you were a kid. So, we talked briefly about having, like when you. Cook big cookies or when you're doing the traditional things that are associated with the holidays How there's just that feeling that twinge of sadness that it's not back then, right? Just like nostalgia of what you remember from your childhood. Yeah, so that's Kind of the undercurrent of the holidays in a normal progression of life, but then you add in grief, you add in having a loved one on hospice, for example, during the holiday season, and I think that causes. A sense of, mild panic, maybe anticipatory grief of, Oh my gosh, this may be the last Thanksgiving or this may be the last Christmas. So what recommendations you have for that about anticipatory grief? So loved ones are still here. Oh, loved ones are still here. Yeah. No, it's just it's very individual. I mean, every family's different. And I think you really just, even with grief and when people are gone, you have to go with your gut and go with what feels right and what feels comfortable. So, Having those same traditions may be important to you and that's okay. Or changing things up a bit, maybe what you want to do and that's okay. So I think so much of our Christmas and just the holidays in general is just rooted in tradition and that family theme and what your family has always done. Right. So yeah, and I think just acknowledging your feelings, just having those feelings and having somebody you can talk with and share that with, and be just kind of raw with that, that you acknowledge that, you know, your loved one is declining and possibly dying. And it could be the last Christmas, we just don't know. It could be the last Thanksgiving, right? Yeah. I mean, I remember speaking from personal experience when my grandmother, was on hospice and declining in the last Christmas that we had with her was. I mean, we spent most of the time crying. Which was not the intent, but we did because, you know, of course we wanted to be present and everybody wanted to be upbeat. But every time you looked at her, you knew like that chair is going to be empty next year. I mean, you just knew that. So trying to put on that happy face again for the. Children because the children don't and they don't know. I mean the children have no idea. So you were still creating all that magic on one hand, but having this profound sense of impending loss that is weighing on you heavily. I think one of the biggest things that is. Being allowed, you're allowed to cry. You're allowed to be sad. Do you want to talk about kind of that and coping mechanisms? Definitely. And you know, look, we talked about changing things up, just allowing yourself a lot of grace because you just don't know what's going to work and what's not going to work. And I find when I lost my parents, I found the days leading up to the holidays were actually harder than the day itself. Just the anticipation, anticipatory grief, the anticipation of it coming, of the day coming, and just all those things that we do to get ready for, the holidays. So just allowing yourself to that grace to know, I do want to incorporate this, but I don't know that I can do this part this year and that's okay. Just allowing yourself that grace and finding friends and loved ones that will comfort you and just allow you to be, you know. In your grief. And that's, and I think that's also what I want to encourage people to do is, if you have somebody that's a loved one, like I have, I think I told you, my best friend just lost her father. This is the first holidays without him. His birthday was just this week. So there's a lot of firsts that just are rolling on and it's just, acknowledging that and just reaching out to her and saying, you know, how are you doing? You know, I'm thinking about you today, loved your daddy. Know, you adored him too. But, and just sharing those memories. And I think times were, as you know, humans were reluctant to do that because we don't want to make anybody sad or cry, already sad. They're already that loved one is already on their mind. She's already thinking about her daddy. Exactly. I think about my mom every Christmas, we're already thinking about her. So, you know, it's kind of like when somebody talks about your children, how you love to talk about your children or grandchildren, you know, it's like, you're thrilled when someone says your loved one's name because they remember them too. And it's like, and you want to talk about it. Right. So I think realizing, that's okay to say their name, they're already thinking about them. They're already missing them. So I had I had seen a podcast I'm just going to steal from it. I don't remember where I saw it from. So I would give credit, but I don't know who it's from. But they were talking about grief and the interviewer asked the question, that brought up the fact that his mom had just died. And he said, I love to talk about my mom. I love to talk about my mom, but he was like, if I start to cry right Don't think that it's a bad thing, it's a good thing. Tears are unexpressed love. And unexpressed the love that we've had for our loved ones throughout this life. And he's like, I hope I always cry when I talked about her because that means that I am still, I still have all this love that I don't know what to do with. Yeah. Which is interesting. So I think that crying makes a lot of people uncomfortable. And if you know me at all, I mean, anybody that's watching this will know I am not, I'm not a crier. And I cry a lot. It's not that it makes me uncomfortable, but I just, I mean, I really don't know what to do with it when people start crying. Right. And I'm a crier. Anybody that knows me, I'm a crier. So it's okay. I mean, it's okay to not know what to do. When someone is breaking down, I mean, and sometimes just that, therapeutic silence and just being present is really the most important thing. I'm going to be very cathartic. Exactly. It's very good for soul. and it's a release, it's a good release. And a lot of times I mean one of my happiest emotions is tears for joy and laughing. That's, you know, one of my favorites, but I do, I cry every Christmas Eve. My family will tell you, I cry through every Christmas Eve service, but I want to go. I love the service. I love the memories it evokes, but it's just, I just know it's going to happen. So there we go. But if that made me feel uncomfortable, it wasn't something I wanted to do or found it beneficial. It would be perfectly fine just to say, you know what, that's just one thing I can't do. Right. Not going to do that this year. And that's okay. And I think a lot of times it's trying, especially with moving through the holidays, because again, like I said, there's, as we talked about that undercurrent of regular, normal nostalgia that just, I mean, like as an adult, I have grandchildren now. Right. Right. Which is, Phenomenal. But even with them, like I see my daughter creating the same memories and doing the same things that we did when she was a child with Right. So it's it takes me back. Right. But then when I go back there, it's a totally different scenario because my Christmas memories, my Thanksgiving memories are revolving around my parents and my. Grandmother, right?. So who, my grandmother is no longer with us.. So, I, like, I used to call her every Thanksgiving to get the recipe for the right, you know, whatever I needed. Right? And not that I needed the recipe, but I called her Right. That, to talk with her. Right. To get the recipe right.. And I remember so vividly that first Thanksgiving when I was like, oh yeah, there's nobody to call, right? There's nobody to call. Yeah. So it's, I think a lot of it is just. allowing yourself the freedom to be like, it's okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to, to not, like you said, to not do those normal traditional things that you do or to start new traditions. And every new addition to the family, obviously gives you the opportunity to start new traditions and do new things. But I think one of the other biggest things is. Those firsts like it's it is a huge slap in the face and even people that don't think it's gonna bother them It bothers. Yeah, it does. So just continuing on, you know, we taLked about the nostalgia and everything that we've Just the melancholy, I think of the holidays. I think I want to talk now about traditions and how, I mean, there's two, two trains of thought, after someone, passes away, you can either maintain the traditions based on just exactly how things were, or you can kind of, shake it up a little bit. So what are your thoughts on those? I think it's, you know, it's just very, and based on the individual, just depending on what you want to do and what you feel like you can do. There's no right or wrong answer, but it's just giving yourself grace to know that, we can change things up and it still may not be what I want to do. Or we may carry on the same traditions and do everything just the same. And it still may be just a really hard period. And I shared with you after I was just a little girl when my Both my my grandparents had died. And so my parents, we always had Christmas at our house and we left town that year and went to our friends in Tyler, which was something we never did. And we all agreed, Oh, that'll be great. It'll be fun. And it was not, we all got back in the car to go home and we were like, I think I'd rather been at home this, Christmas. And we all agreed and that's fine, but it was just, we didn't know till we tried it, you know, and it's not that it was horrible, but we just all were like, yeah, I really miss being home because that's just kind of what constitutes Christmas for us was being at home. So that's what we did the next year. I think it's also important to talk about and acknowledge that nothing is going to take away the fact that your loved one is not here. Right. So, On some aspects, it really doesn't matter where you go or what you do. It is going to be a difficult time and just acknowledging that and owning that. And just, you know, just acknowledging that this Christmas is probably not going to be the best Christmas you've ever had. Right. Because your loved one is. Right. So, Just knowing what traditions you want to change at. Like, my friend that just lost her dad she's already made reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving. And because they usually cooked and she just already knows, I don't think that's something I want to do this year. So she's already allowed herself to, you know, make those reservations. Tell her family, express that to them. And and I praised her for doing that. I was like, that's really great that you did that because you've already identified that. And so I think that pre planning is really important to kind of knowing what you want to do and what you don't want to do. I mean, I'm the kind of person. Even if if you're having a Christmas party, I may be sad and in my grief, but if you don't invite me, I'm still going to be, I'm going to be sad because I wanted to be invited. So a great thing to do is maybe, give yourself their permission, tell the host or hostess, I would love to drop by. I may be really busy that day. So I'm going to give myself an hour, maybe I'll stay for an hour. If I'm enjoying myself, I can stay for the whole party. I can shut it down. But if I really am just. in a bad place that day, I can excuse myself and go home. So I think it's really just taking it day by day, minute by minute, even and seeing how you feel, because what I need one day may not be what I need the next day. Exactly. Yeah. So I think checking in with our friends and just, figuring out, you know, what do you need today? What can I do for you today? Because it changes. I think also there's a the thing about grief. I mean, we talk about we've talked about on numerous occasions on the podcast, previous podcasts about hospice and what hospice is and how it works. This is really the first time that we've talked about what happens after a loved one passes away. The thing about grief is there is no way to go around it. You can't go over it. You have to go through it. And it's painful. If it wasn't painful, then. What would be the point of love? I mean, that's kind of what we you know, that again, like that gentleman said during the podcast, it's, you know, my tears, my sadness is, you know, this unresolved love that I have for my loved one. So going back to traditions and shaking things up, Do you have any recommendations for how maybe people might change things up tradition wise? Any thoughts on that? I think what you said, life just moves on and that's hard to accept when you've lost somebody and you're grieving, but it can be joyful and you can carry on those great traditions. Cause like you have your grandchildren now and so you can inspire them. those wonderful traditions and just have that gratitude for, you know, your family and where you came from, that's what I do. I have a lot of Christmas decorations I put out. I have a lot of sentimental ones that came from family or friends or loved ones. And it brings me peace to put them out and joy to put them out and kind of share them with, my children. Now, let's talk about that because I mean, that's a whole different, thought that we haven't really hit upon is unpacking those Christmas decorations every year and how triggering that can be when you open. A lot of memories come flooding back. A lot of memories. And if you're like me, my daughter will know this, my mother wrote on the bottom of everything. Oh, wow. Love you, Beth, 1987. So when we get stuff out, we're always looking to see what was that date? You know, which is a precious memory, but yeah, but it was at times and on different Christmases, it's really hard, you know? But she wrote on everything. That is amazing, though. There's a thought process for people who write on everything so that people will remember you. Yeah, people will remember, yeah. And in the year, because you know, we forget. I mean, she bought it, somewhat, some place and thought of me, and then she wrote, you know, the year on it. I think another thing, too, that just, I mean, again, just to acknowledge that some Like my grandmother loved Christmas. Like that was just her, that was her thing. And she would decorate like nobody's business. I mean, to the point where you would, I mean, literally it was like the Griswold family Christmas, like it was bad. Which of course now I miss tremendously. Right. But. And she would send pictures every year. So I have like pictures upon pictures of her house. Right. So it was interesting because when she died, they, I mean, they gave me all of her Christmas stuff. Well, I mean, even on a good year, I couldn't put everything out. Like there's just so much, but now that I have the grandkids and all of those, like, Big, huge things that she would do. I'm thinking, Oh my gosh, my grandchildren would love that. So I've, this year is going to be actually very interesting. Cause I'm pulling out really a lot of stuff that I have not seen in a very long time. So that he can really enjoy it to the fullest. And that's a way to incorporate, their lives and their memories, and the gratitude for a life well lived, you know, I mean, I got out my, I had given this to my mother. It's a James Avery and it has the nativity on it. And so, I get, I gave it to her and I love wearing it. I get it out every holiday season. and shine it up and wear it because, you know, it makes me grateful for her life and the traditions that she instilled in me and all the great memories I have. So I love, wearing it. It makes me feel closer to her. And so any traditions that can instill, maybe it's making my grandmother's caramel pie recipe that I've never seen again. And it's a hard recipe, but I've perfected it. But maybe it's making those caramel pies and sharing them with my neighbors, because it brings joy for you, but then you're also doing something for somebody else, which I think is always, it always makes you feel good. Exactly. I think another thing to acknowledge is it will not always be like it is. this Christmas or this Thanksgiving. So I know that when we talk to people, especially in hospice, when someone loved ones die, we talk about time being a healer and everybody when you're, when it's fresh, they don't believe it. They don't believe it, but there will come a time when you will be able to look back on everything that's going on or new traditions or new things you might still tear up. You might still have these underlying just big emotions, but you will also be able to smile and you will be able to revisit those times without it being such a stabbing, horrible. life altering, stopping, take your breath away kind of situation. I mean, as evidenced by Beth and I sitting here talking to you about people that meant a whole lot to us that have passed away. And just again, I mean, I still again, I'm not a crier, right? I didn't say that, but I mean, on Thanksgiving, when I get up at 4 30 in the morning, which I don't know why we do that, but that's what my grandmother did. That's what my grandmother got up at 4 30 to put the turkey in the oven. So that's what we do to this day. I get up at 4 30. I put the turkey in the oven and it's very quiet in my house and it's just me and the turkey and my memory of my grandmother. And it's a emotional thing to think about those things and just be like, wow, I mean, she's not here anymore. Yeah. And I think it's important to remember too, that we have a lot of great grief resources, to reach out to our bereavement coordinator is available, for just community, but also our hospice patients. And we follow patients for, you know, 13 months following a loss, but that, that we're here for you. We have a lot of different resources during the holidays, a lot of different groups that are specifically for getting through the holidays. And you know, for some people that's extremely beneficial. Absolutely. I went to GriefShare myself and found it. I was like, you won't be surprised. I was like, oh, this is too hard for me 'cause I'm trying to help you and I'm not focusing on me. Me. Yes. So I was taking numbers down of other people that I was like, sounds absolute. Oh, she really needs my help. Yes. I'm gonna call you. Yeah, I'm gonna call you. I'll be right with you. So, you gotta find what works for you. Right. So, but there are some great resources and even just great podcasts you know, that you can listen to and Absolutely. All kinds of things. So, you know, we've done a lot of talking about what, what happens when a loved one is gone, but we haven't really touched a whole lot on, you know, If they're still here for these holidays and what we as a lab, what we as professionals call it as anticipatory grief. So, you know, that the odds are that they are not going to be present next year for this holiday. So you are in this very weird scenario. Where you're looking at them and they're still here, but then you're also sad because you know, this is like the last one. So you're trying to hold on to every second of every minute when you, during this holiday season or during these traditions that you normally do and making sure that they're able to participate in everything. So what do you do? Cause how do you reconcile that? I mean, on one hand, you want to be. Happy and making sure everybody is enjoying themselves on the other side. You're very sad. One of the things that we did with my grandmother was that we all sat around, which I know sounds so cliche, but all of the grandchildren sat around. She was in her chair, but she wasn't able to cook her last Thanksgiving, but we all cooked for her, right? So of course we were involving her because we kept running back and forth and saying, so how much of this do you put in there? And when do you turn it on? So making sure that they feel a part of the holiday festivities, because there's also a tendency when someone is dying to unintentionally isolate them. And Not really involved in things. And I mean, because people, I mean, it's human nature. You start to let go before they're gone, you know, let go and you're preparing yourself, embracing yourself for everything. So I think my biggest point of advice would be. involve them in what's going on. Make sure that if, you know, that if they're in their bedroom, that you're bringing them into the living room or that you're going into where they're at, so that they can be a part of what's going on. So we all sat around and we were telling stories, which again, sounds so cliche, but it really is. I mean, it's one of my best memories with family because there were things that I learned during that little circle time that I did not know. Yes, we were asking about, you know, what were their favorite memories as a child? Exactly. Cause I know, my family, I know what our traditions were, but you know, what were my mom and dad's, what were their traditions or their favorite part of the holidays when they were, a child. So one of the things that we talked about with my grandmother, which again, just opened the door for a plethora of hilarious stories was like, I asked her, I said, Tell me about like the most horrible Thanksgiving you've ever had. Not because I wanted to dredge up old memories, but because those stories are hilarious now. We're not funny at the time, but they were hilarious at the time. I mean, hilarious afterwards, but I think just being able to talk to people and just acknowledging that I mean, it's sad. It's a very difficult, sad time. And it's a very weird time to be. But we do have, especially if your loved one is on hospice, we have our social workers and our chaplains who can kind of help you through that anticipatory grief and that impending sense of loss that You know, it's coming. It's coming. You know, it's coming. Yeah, because a lot of times you already lost the person that they are or that they were, you know, because of, you know, maybe dementia or, you know, different disease processes are not being able to get up. Right. Just not being able to do the things. Yeah. So incorporating some things that they can do, like I've got a, you know, Well, it was really helpful to have someone sit, my mom sit on the couch and unwrap all the Christmas ornaments so I could just hang them on the tree. So try to just find ways that you can incorporate, bring them in, like you said. I know that, again it's a it's such a difficult time. I mean, it's just such a difficult time. So is there anything else that you can think of? Any last thoughts or parting words I Just, you know, giving yourself grace, knowing what you need. feel free to draw those boundaries, and just really look for that person in your life. Or if you're a loved one, I encourage you to be the person in that person's life, to reach out to them and ask them, what do they need? What can I do for you? And how are you doing? Cause you're not going to be bringing up anything to make them really sad. They're already sad. They're already grieving. They're already missing their loved one. Absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us today. It was a pleasure to talk to you as well. Thank you.